It all started when I was reading a new book to Kate. It is about a princess who outsmarts a dragon, and at the dragon's door she uses the knocker to announce her arrival. And for some unfathomable reason, when I got to the word "knocker" I laughed my ass off. Which then sent me into a shame spiral because, I mean, SERIOUSLY?
I can only think it had something to do with how tired I was (and am). Also, since I'm still nursing, the word knockers seems pretty accurate for how heavy and awkward and just plain unsexy my boobs feel. KNOCKERS aren't something you dress up in lace and shimmy at your husband. KNOCKERS are stout things that you stuff in thick cotton bras and hide in a t-shirt that has baby drool and last night's dinner smeared across it.
I have knockers. And I found that to be freaking hilarious (because lets be honest, if you don't laugh, you might just have to cry about something like that).
A few days later I experienced another "I'm a ten year-old boy" vocabulary melt-down. This one came about thanks to a "I'm new to being the mom of a boy" moment. When something new, er, popped up, I decided to turn to my trusty friend, Google, for answers. I sat down with my computer and typed in "Why do baby boys..."
I couldn't finish the question. My brain was so tired, it had shorted. My entire vocabulary had just up and vanished. I just stared at the screen for a short while and then the only, and I mean ONLY word I could think of to describe what I was trying to research was this:
"Why do baby boys get BONERS"
WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? I may be irreverent, and silly and sometimes crude, but ladies (and any gentlemen who actually kept reading past the section about my hooters) if my brain were firing on all cylinders I would NEVER be stupid enough to do a Google search about BONERS. Let alone baby boners. I'm nearly positive that I've now been flagged on some FBI database, but what shocked me was that GOOGLE KNEW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT. Without blinking an eye, Google provided me with results from various parenting forums about the medical reasons a baby gets an ERECTION (OHHHHH riiiiiiight. Erection. THAT is the word I was trying to think of.)
But more shocking to me than Google's understanding of the terminology is the fact that of all the words in the world to describe what I was searching for, I chose to use the word boner. Which, I have to be honest, I think I've used, like, um, NEVER IN MY LIFE. Its just not in my vernacular. Honestly. But when existing on only a few hours sleep, apparently its the only word to surface through the haze.
I'm so proud.
And THAT, my friends, is why you might not be seeing me in public for awhile. My knockers and I have to get some rest before I'm allowed in polite company again.